To Be Honest...
I’ve been sitting here watching “Last Man Standing” trying to distract myself from the inevitable. The inevitable in this case is me writing about something that is so personal and sacred that I would rather NOT share it with strangers and in this case the internet. Once it’s out there it is out there but nonetheless here I am about to do this thing. I’ve been putting it off for months hoping I wouldn’t have to write about it but it’s been placed on my heart for too long and this is me being obedient; so I am going to talk about “it”… that little white “elephant” in the room or in this case pregnancy test.
However, before I start I want to make a few things clear (at least for myself – because I can only speak for myself and what is going on). God gave me the privilege of being a wife to my husband Matthew. He is my rock other than the Lord and if I was going through this journey without his support it would be devastating. Matt loves me no matter what my body is doing and I am so grateful for that but not being able to get pregnant is hard emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally at times – that is not my husband’s fault or God’s but, nonetheless it still happens. This is because we unfortunately live in a broken world. And that is OK. Also, if I have friends or family reading this please know I treasure you, your family, and your little ones. This is not a “rant” to make anyone feel less than or for you to pity me or others. This is quite the opposite. It is writing that is supposed to be encouraging even though there are days when it is hard to be joyful. Please know Matt and I are honored to share the journey of new and old motherhood and fatherhood with you no matter what during this tough season for us. Now that being said...
Here I go!
I feel like I am considered the fun aunt. It’s kind of my title and I’d like to say I wear that badge proudly. It truly is an honor. However, I too, would like to have a baby one day, someday… like right now to be honest with y’all. I cannot tell you how many times I am asked when my husband and I are going to conceive and each time it’s a painful reminder that my body is just not cutting it. The feeling of being labeled infertile sucks or even having fertility issues. This is a badge I do not hold so dearly.
So…
To be honest it was exciting to try making a baby… at first…
To be honest after 6 months I got a bit discouraged
To be honest there were multiple times I thought I was pregnant
To be honest the first time I thought I was pregnant I bought a pair of baby socks
To be honest the first pregnancy test I bought that said “negative” was on Christmas Eve and tore me apart
To be honest I see posts on FB about friend’s and their baby announcements and I cringe
To be honest in private I get jealous
To be honest I put on a face so that no one knows I’m a bit sad right now because of our situation
To be honest I feel less than
To be honest after the first year I started to worry
To be honest I ask God the “why me?” question a lot
To be honest it’s been about a year and threeish months since we started trying with no luck
To be honest I thought I found a complete peace after awhile
To be honest… I was very wrong
Hurt like this; disappointment like this does not go away instantly.
It’s difficult to talk about this – really it is, because I know there will be some who are reading this who have children and I do not want to give off the impression I am having a pity party. Please understand that I write this so those who are struggling with conception or who know friends or family who are struggling with conception know they are not alone. This one is for you.
You are not alone.
I know that sometimes it feels like we are alone even though it obviously takes two to tango but it truly does feel like a burden. I don’t know the feeling of losing a child (which is heartbreaking and unimaginably painful) but I do understand the feeling of labeling yourself as inadequate and empty because your body is not cooperating; because your body seems like it’s incapable of creating a human being. I’ve cried a lot and hidden in the trash can a few pregnancy tests and each time I feel ashamed and of course disappointed when I look at the results. Raise your hand if you’ve been there! *Cue emoji girl with hand in the air* But, seriously, even in the grocery store I try to hide the tests because for me (or at least it feels that way) the results are always going to seem to say “nope, not today, better luck next time.” The sad part is that I’ve always known that getting pregnant would be an issue for me; so, you would think I would be prepared but unfortunately it makes things more painful at times.
But, I have to tell you that even through this pain and experience I am going through I have still been able to find hope. Let me give you an example and FYI it all deals with last week. Last week marked about 2 weeks of having a missed period. This has happened before but I thought maybe my period would show up because for me if my period shows up it isn’t a guessing game of “am I pregnant?” – which for me personally helps me cope better. Unfortunately, it was not one of those times. I knew I needed to take a test but I also did not want to be disappointed again but, nonetheless I took a test. Last Thursday morning I took a test before work and the results were negative. And #tobehonest I started balling my face like intense ugly cry in my bathroom. Winston (the puppy child) immediately came up to me and started licking my face. I am so grateful for that dog. But, I have to tell you that the sweetest part of this story is not my dog comforting me but God. I do not know what you believe and if it’s not God then that’s alright but I can tell you it was 100% more comforting to have God speak to me in this moment than to be licked by my dog’s tongue which he uses to clean himself with… just saying. The moment I started crying a few words popped into my mind and again, #tobehonest this has never happened before…and let me tell you I’ve taken quite a few pregnancy tests this past year and threeish months. The words that came to my mind were “The Lord is my strength; His faithful love endures forever” and then I proceeded to proclaim these words out loud snotty nosed and all. NEVER in a million years did I think I would be saying that God is faithful right when a test that clearly says “negative” on it. It was beautifully ironic. But, the story is no over. Then, later that day my husband I were invited to a baby gender reveal party. OUCH. Again, I had to go back to those words. It was not a pleasant start to my day or rest of the day but amazingly enough those words kept me going. That night I went to Bible Study and we talked about brokenness in the world we live in. I adamantly (at least in my mind) did not want to chat about what had happened that day because it was rough. I mean a negative pregnancy test and then an invite that includes a baby reveal. All I could think was “Why did I have to take a test on Bible Study day?!” However, that night I broke down in a safe space and let me tell you friends there is power in numbers. To be supported by those who care for you and not have to carry this burden alone is an indescribable feeling.
The feeling of community is important. There is strength in numbers.
I am sure many of y’all do not know what the IF Conference is but I watched it online with a group of ladies this weekend and it “hit” the spiritual spot if that makes sense? The theme was “ablaze” and what can snuff out that fire for God. Guess what it is? Doubt. And doubt can take many forms and can make any one of us feel like we are smack dab in the middle of a race leaving us with the notion of seeing no end in sight. That is how I feel with getting pregnant right now. Some days I feel it more so and some days I don’t. And last week I felt it BIG TIME but somehow God used others to impart wisdom and strength in me with Bible Study and the IF Conference.
Y’all heard of Bianca Olthoff? That girl is my jam. She is so wise. The wisdom that oozed from her during the IF conference watered a seed in myself and another friend of mine to want to take steps towards freedom from this feeling of shame for not being able to get pregnant. It is easy to walk this journey alone because inviting someone into this space (especially if they do not understand) can unfortunately make the experience feel worse. But, I am finding that being able to walk it with others can break this chain of shame. There were a few things that Bianca mentioned during her time speaking and these four points stood out to me:
Faith Rises when we get together even when we are in chains (like Paul and his buddies in Acts specifically Acts 16:22-27)
So, in order for faith to arise we need to get together with Christ-driven people
We need to fight to see others free; not just ourselves
Learn to worship as our warfare instead of complain
My fellow ladies who get this infertility issue - we need this and we NEED to do this. Prayer is our weapon and if you do not believe in prayer then I will pray with you and for your circumstance because that is where freedom is found.
Don’t get me wrong I know it sucks. There are times when I wonder am I not getting pregnant as a punishment for things I’ve done in my past? And then think, “But wait I know others who were the same and yet they have multiple kids?” Or “Why is she pregnant so fast when my husband and I have been married longer and trying for so much longer?” And #tobehonest there is no rhyme to reason because it’s not a scoreboard; that’s not how God works. And it’s not how we were created to be. I am tired of constantly wracking my brain over why I am not pregnant or good enough. It is exhausting. Do y’all realize that whenever we become jealous or our hearts become hard we are losing out on joy? We are trading in joy and relationship with our dear friends and family with bitterness and jealousy. We are missing out on true celebration that we are asked to be apart of. So, I am done with those thoughts & feelings of unworthiness (which I am sure will be hard to let go but I must try) and my “to be honests” will transform because to be honest I want to strive for peace…
To be honest I want to seek after joy
To be honest I am finding hope in the small wins; like a OBGYN appointment
To be honest I celebrate with my friends – genuinely
To be honest my heart still hurts a bit but my attitude is changing
To be honest there is strength in numbers
To be honest a community has been placed on my heart – the infertility community
To be honest let’s stand together
To be honest I am trying to rid the “shame” feeling
To be honest I pray for strength & am given just that
To be honest you are not alone….and you have support
I know not all of us have a Bible Study, conference, church, or even family or friends we can confide in to talk about this with because you feel ashamed. But, it is not shameful and your situation is not shameful. I should not be ashamed to talk about this and you should not be either. Our situation does not label you as less than or not good enough. You are more than enough with or without a child.
Let’s not make this taboo anymore and NOT talk about it. Let’s talk about infertility or just the plain old struggle with conception. There is strength in numbers. If anyone ever wants to chat please do not hesitate and shoot an email or in this case a friend of mine and I are meeting every other week to pray for one another and just hang out because it’s a safe space. Anyone who is going through this same journey is welcome to join. You can believe in God or you do not have to believe in God; just know you are not alone and there is support for you in a safe space where folks truly understand the burden.