Forgiveness

| W R I T E R | Mama Carla

TO FORGIVE:

a :  to give up resentment of or claim to requital (something given in return, compensation, or retaliation) b :  to grant relief from payment of forgive a debt 2:  to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) :  pardon forgive one's enemies” ~Merriam-Webster Dictionary~

Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you could never forgive a person for their actions against you? Did you feel resentment and a deep wounding that you thought would never heal? I never truly understood the impact of unforgiveness on my life until the fall of 2010. It was then that God began a work in my life that would forever change my heart and redirect my path.

I had been involved in a home group which began a series on healing which began my own journey towards ridding myself of the shame and despair my divorce and broken relationships had caused in my life. That year I went on an 8 month journey of healing that included dealing with the unforgiveness I was harboring towards my former husband and many others who had hurt me over the years. In time the Lord revealed that I had not fully forgiven the people who hurt me and I was carrying on in life with seeds of resentment growing inside of me. The pain was real, but I didn’t know how to rid myself of it. Many times I found the Lord asking me to forgive people, but I was resistant because some of the people He wanted me to forgive had deeply wounded me and I had many reasons why they should not be forgiven. 

This was wrong thinking. I had come to believe unforgiveness was somehow punishing them. The reality is, how can you punish someone with unforgiveness when they don’t even know you are holding resentment in your heart against them? As a matter of fact, the ramifications to my own health were beginning to surface and I began to suffer from severe Crohns disease flares making my day to day life difficult. The more I was upset and stressed about how others were treating me, the more ill I became. You see, Crohns Disease and stress work well together and so essentially, I began to internalize my pain and resentment and became physically sick. "Forgive anyone who has caused you pain or harm. Keep in mind that forgiving is not for others. It is for you. Forgiving is not forgetting. It is remembering without anger. It frees up your power, heals your body, mind and spirit. Forgiveness opens up a pathway to a new place of peace where you can persist despite what has happened to you." — Les Brown

I was hurt and sad for so long that I forgotten what it felt like to be happy. My norm had become me being unhappy all the time. Being happy was an awkward feeling. I realised the sadness I clung to was familiar and easier to live with than letting go of the hurt.... well so I thought. I never wanted to be divorced, I was sad to be alone, I was sad because our daughters were struggling, I was devastated that our girls didn’t have their Dad every day, and the list went on and on. I could not find the positive in anything. I needed to change my view and begin to see the Lord never intended for us to hurt or feel sad and that He is the only one who can fill that void in us. But it was going to take work on my part with help from positive and encouraging mentors.

Don’t you just love the way the Lord works? He brings people into our lives at the right time to help us through difficult changes and that’s just what He did for me! One day a man of God named Graham Powell told me that it was ok to go to the Lord and ask Him to help me forgive when it was difficult to let go of the hurt a person had put me through. This was new to me, but I really wanted to be free from the hurt and pain so I began to just say “Lord help me! This person really hurt me and I need your help to forgive them, I want to forgive them, but it’s difficult to let go of the pain”. From that moment, something shifted in my spirit and I began to feel the Lord work in those difficult areas and change my heart, it was amazing! 

I began forgiving my former husband, like really forgiving him that very night. I was learning that the Lord felt all the sadness and was with me through it all. He was just waiting for me to ask for His help and to surrender my burden’s and unforgiveness to Him. You see Jesus is all about relationship, He wants us to talk to Him and ask Him for help. What a concept! Life was hard and I frankly did not feel very happy. Could the Lord really take that burden from me and help me find happiness? The revelation of his love for me became real and I began to allow the Holy Spirit to work in my heart. I desperately wanted my life to be Christ like, therefore the changes I was making were an important step to my healing and walking closer with the Lord. Soon I wasn’t lingering in that unhappy place as often as before and I began to trust in the Lord for help with my burdens and comfort through the tough times. Each time the Lord reminded me of a situation where I needed to forgive someone I would simply talk to the Lord and ask for His help and He would lift that heaviness from me and suddenly the forgiveness would come! I was finally breaking free from hurt and anger and I could let go and find peace in Jesus. As time went on forgiveness was becoming a new habit and life was good! But that’s not the end of the story! God always wants to bring us higher and when we are ready He reveals another layer of the “onion” that needs work. 

So, in February 2011, a woman came to speak at my church on forgiveness. This was not my first encounter with this topic as I stated before, but on this day the Lord took it to another level. The guest speaker began to talk about debt forgiveness. It resonated with me and I could hear the Lord speaking to my heart about the Family Maintenance Enforcement (FMEP) debt that was always a source of bitterness for me. Often, I would bring it up in conversation and made a point of telling whomever I was speaking with that I was denied child support. And although this was true for the earlier years, the circumstance surrounding my lack of child support payments in the latter years wasn’t ever part of the conversation. These conversations would stir in me feelings I did not like anymore and so when this woman spoke I knew the message was for me from the Lord. My desire is to continue to grow in the Lord and become mature in my Christian walk and to be an example to those around me. I knew something had to shift; all I needed was a little nudge from the Lord! 

One day while discussing with a friend the levels of forgiveness I had been experiencing, I heard the Lord speak through her and my knees seriously buckled and my body became weak! What I heard come from my friend’s mouth was “you must forgive everything, even the debt he owes you.” I knew it was the Lord, there was no doubt! After work, I went home and wrote to FMEP a letter to FORGIVE the debt owed to me. Now I don’t think this is what the Lord wants everyone to do concerning their support payments or debt owing, but for our circumstances the Lords request was fair and just. It was a significant amount, but I had hope and faith the Lord would provide for us.

The impact on my life has been incredible! The Lord revealed once again His goodness and His provision, all I needed to do was trust in Him! Doors began to open and I began to feel compassion in the place of bitterness in concerns with my former husband! Other miraculous things began to happen in my life with my finances and I was provided with an all expense paid trip to Ottawa.

During this time, a very unexpected opportunity came forth in the form of a little boy. He needed a family and I needed provision. Through this parenting opportunity the Lord has sufficiently provided me with an additional income, but most importantly, I have gained a son! What I learned was to trust in God to take care of us and He is! Trusting God with everything has built my faith and has taught me to go to the Lord with everything! I am still working on this, but I can honestly say I have come a long way since forgiving those that hurt me. The wounds were deep, the burden heavy and bitterness had a deep root dwelling within me, but GOD! I can say without a doubt forgiving those that hurt me was DEFINITLY worth it! It taught me to be quick to forgive and to ask for forgiveness which in turn has brought me true freedom!

Carla M. Ward xo