I'm NOT in Control
Soo went to Church today and it was definitely confirmation on what I am supposed to write about for this week and I am nervous my friends. I had been wavering back and forth on whether I should discuss what happened this week because it’s super personal but hold onto your britches because …
I'm going to break the suspense with this: I like control. I prefer to be the one in control. I mean who doesn’t, right? It is a quality about me that I’ve learned over the past years to keep in check. And right now I am freaking out because as I write I am giving a bit of that control up. You are going to see a part of me that I am not very comfortable sharing, because truthfully it is a bit embarrassing and it makes me feel vulnerable. And, no one likes to be vulnerable especially me. In fact, I am usually the chick in the background cracking a joke or sassy comment to cover up the fact that something bothers me. I think it often gets confused with folks thinking that I am just the funny girl however that is not always the case. (But, please do not take this as if every time I crack a joke or am happy (which is mainly 99% of the time) that I am really covering up something because that is probably not my intention.)
This week I had no control over a financial situation and FINANCE is my jam. Well, sort of (insert akward HAH HAH here). I am mainly the one who looks over the finances in the house and have some experience with this professionally as well. So, when it comes to making sure everything is in order you would think everything is good to go, right? I wish I could say this was the case but for this week it was a cold HARD “NO”. I’ve literally never had something like this happen to me before where there wasn’t some sort of back-up plan. Unfortunately, something odd happened and an exorbitant amount of money was taken out of our account for our health insurance. It most definitely caught me off guard. This was something I could not fix.
Now, before I go any further I want to make something clear I am not telling you this to freak out with direct deposit or trying to make this a platform to jab at the Canadian health system. This is a time for me to tell you that I FLIPPED out because I could not fix the situation at hand. Seriously, I called my husband frantic and made it clear that we needed to figure out what was going on. I was a bit rude to my husband about it and I am not proud of that. I’m sure y’all understand because we all have bills that have due dates. It just happened that this past week we had quite a few bills that were due.
My control over the situation was no longer there. For me, that was terrifying. All I could think was “God, what the heck we need to make our dog’s food and we can’t?! There are bills that are due like tomorrow! What are you doing?!” Now, I know the Lord provides and I’ve experienced that in my life time and again. I have never wanted for anything but somehow always in the back of my mind I am worrisome about money. It lingers like a bad Winston fart that won’t go away. But, you know what is crazy (at least in my mind) is that God had a backup plan and it was not what I expected. In fact, I had to do something that literally brought tears to my eyes… something I thought I would never have to do. I used Tithe money and what we had of savings to pay our bills and then some. We had been sitting on tithe money for awhile trying to figure out who to specifically give to but God had another plan for at least some of it. Honestly, you might be looking at me like I am a jerk; that maybe I should have waited a few days. You might think I didn’t have enough faith or maybe I should have given all of the tithe money to the church right away. I know that these must be some of your thoughts because they were mine too. If I were God and controlled the situation I would not have wanted to use the money that was supposed to fuel my light and presence in the world for a few bills. I would have put the correct amount of money back into the account magically. Yet, God had another plan; where the funds that were supposed to go to Him were placed and given back to my little family and their needs. My friends, nothing is too big or too small for God to handle. He shows us grace in all sorts of ways and teaches us lessons through the most unique situations. God, reminded me in the most unexpected way that He had my back and to be honest I was racked with guilt for a few days because I thought I was betraying Him. Now, in no ways am I saying to not tithe or to use your tithe money for whatever you want. I think we should Tithe and that the Bible clearly states we should do this. The Lord does bless us when we give but the blessing doesn’t always take form in what we expect it to be; I mean take a look at the book of Job in the bible. Job was a faithful man who loved the Lord and he lost everything even his own children. But, in the end he still committed himself to God and things did sort themselves out. It is not a score card with the Lord. He knows our actions and He knows our hearts. He is not eagerly waiting for you to mess up so that He can punish you. On contrary, He is eagerly waiting for you to let go of the control so He can make things right and beautiful. And last but certainly not least take a deeper look into what a tithe is supposed to represent and what it represented to my husband and me. It was an undeserved blessing. We will forever be grateful for this week and God’s unfailing love for us.
Proverbs 3:9-10
“Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the first fruits of all your produce; then your barns will be filled with plenty, and your vats will be bursting with wine.”
2 Corinthians 9:7-9
“Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. As it is written, ‘He has distributed freely, He has given to the poor; His righteousness endures forever.’”
Job 19:25
“I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand on the earth.”
Job 1:21
“And said: ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.’”
Xoxo,
Lena