He Gives Me Grace, Always
Hey Beautiful Souls,
Please raise your hand if you are on the struggle bus this week. Can I get an “AMEN” because I’m pretty sure I’m driving the bus! It’s about to get real…
Basically I need a vacation. I missed Zumba this week because I did not have the strength motivation (let’s get real, I was lazy) instead I watched Netflix. Then I continued the lazy streak and neglected to clean the house while also intentionally dodging the mountain of laundry that needed to be folded and put away with you guessed it…Netflix! Oh and did I mention my dog threw up three times this week?!
I know first world problems huh? It’s ridiculously stupid for me to get so worked up about all of this when mainly (besides Winnie-the puppy child) it is my doing. Do you know what I realized though? There was a change in my attitude and how I did things because I did not spend QUALITY time with Jesus this week. I had a quick little looksy at my devotional one night then peaced out the rest of the week. It completely changed my week and outlook on things i.e. lazy face. It is critical in any relationship whether it maybe a marriage or friendship to spend quality time with that person. How else are we going to get to know them? And when we continue to spend time with those around us we start to act like those folks we around all the time. They begin to rub off on your personality or vice versa. It is funny, but it is the same thing when we spend time with the Lord. Seriously, the more time we spend with Him (reading the Bible and meditating on His word) we begin to change not only on the inside but on the outside as well.
My inside was crummy this week therefore my outside was struggling.
But thankfully, God still loves me when I’m having one of these weeks and gives me Grace-ALWAYS; and let me tell you I am on the struggle bus constantly; it does not happen every blue moon. Just because I have a relationship with the Lord does not mean I am perfect I am just as flawed as the next person if not more. Seriously, this Grace that I keep talking about ALWAYS strengthens my faith with the Lord.
Now that being said I am going to tell y’all something if I am truly “about to get real” I feel like I’ve been on the struggle bus for about two months now and I was spending time with the Lord. Let me explain. About a month and a half I woke up a Saturday morning and dove into the bible and a devotional. If you do not know what a devotional is it’s a guide or book that helps folks like me study the bible and spend time with the Lord. For distracted people like me it’s perfect because it gives me something to focus on when I’m spending time with the Big Man Upstairs. Well that day the devotional led me to verses in the book of Psalms. Psalm 16:7-8 “I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me.”
Little did I know how literal those verses would affect me that very night. If any of you beautiful souls know me then you are aware that I have a puppy child named Winston; Fatboy Winston if we are going to be technical with names. He is my baby. If you tried to mess with my Winnie I would cut you…with my eyes (hahah did that freak you out? ‘Cause it did when I read it out loud), but seriously if we could dress him in a bonnet and shove a pacifier in his mouth my husband and I would. We love our dog, he is family. That Saturday was like any other however, the few weeks before Winston started throwing up then recovering. This happened about three times leading up to this particular Saturday. We had taken him to the vet the week before for X-rays and thought the root of the problem was resolved. We were quite wrong and that Saturday we discovered it quickly. So here is the skinny: My husband (Matt) and I wanted to do something sweet for Winston since he had been under the weather so we took him to this amazing park on Saturday thinking this would cheer him up because he LOVES the outside. If he could chase dogs and kongs all day long he would do it without hesitating. We brought him to the park and he was docile. It was odd. If you know Winston he is like a sugared up five year old that has a water gun in hand. We can all guess how that ends. He is that energetic and crae crae. We knew something was off and decided to pick up food and take him home. MIISSSSTAKKEEEEEE, for any folks out there with a sick dog in a car go directly home it could be quite tragic as it was in our case. Winston threw up in the car twice. I’m not talking food; I’m talking hold your breath yellow bile sort of puke all over the back seat of my car. Sorry for the descriptor but that was our reality at the time. From that point on I knew something was not quite right. My wonderful husband cleaned up my car and Winston continued to throw up in the house and outside. It was really, the first time I’ve ever felt helpless, because I could not find a solution to fix something I loved so deeply. I do not know how it feels to be a mom but I think in that moment “mommy brain” set in. That night Matt and I decided to sleep on the couches and put Winston in the mudroom to keep an eye out on him. And of course during the middle of the night I heard Winston throwing up. “Mommy Brain” was a-go; I had to wake up poor Matthew. Winston was throwing up bile and blood, things had certainly escalated. I do not think I have ever prayed so hard in my life, y’all! I kept turning to the verse I read in the morning, it was uncanny. My heart and faith needed instructing that night and prayer is what kept my husband and me together. As you can imagine my husband immediately called the Vet Hospital in Kelowna (about an hour away from our place), but we decided to wait until morning to see how Winnie was doing. Again, don’t do that—poor choices. Morning came and things continued to worsen and we decided to take him to the hospital in Kelowna. Probably the most depressing week Matt and I have ever had together and we are pretty happy people. Monday came and went as did Tuesday with calls in between on Winston’s condition then Wednesday came. Hump Day, the middle of the week, the day no one likes in a week and of course on this day we received a call from the Vet. We were basically told that Winston was in bad sorts and that he needed exploratory surgery or he needed a specialist. The Vet recommended we go to a specialist, since he would most likely not survive exploratory surgery. This basically sounded like a death sentence to me because it seemed as if they did not have confidence in finding a solution, it was as if everything was out of everyone’s hands. I do not like that in fact; I like to be in control so this really chapped my hinny. Can you tell that my faith was going downhill very quickly? If you couldn’t tell it was and I was just plain angry. That night my husband had some training so I was home alone which made things worse because I did not have my Winston with me. That night I took a shower and just started crying while basically ripping God a new one in mind. Literally, I wasn’t praying anymore I was telling God that what He was doing was wrong. Funny enough Matt and I had just seen the movie “Miracles from Heaven” (great movie and true story) and I kept saying to the Lord, “You can save a human life but you somehow can’t save a dog’s life?!” I literally told the Creator of the Universe to go shove it because I thought I knew better. I am actually super embarrassed about it but right after my tantrum I realized I needed to cool it. I begrudgingly apologized to God, which is funny because we cannot literally see Him or touch Him but somehow with that ounce of faith I could still admit that there was God through this crazy experience. Okay, so hold onto your britches. I do not want to freak anyone out but it is pretty cool what happened next. And all I can say is that Grace is a beautiful thing. After my shower I went to bed. I dreamt, except this dream was a little different. In the dream I was at a place called Bodies on Power, it’s where I do morning Boot Camp and I was sitting in a circle with other women talking about life. It kind of seemed like it was a pity party and we were all chatting about things that suck. Well, everyone took a turn to talk about their deal and then it was my turn. I started jabbering on about my issues and basically I was complaining about my life. Literally it was an “Embrace the suck” moment except in this moment I wanted to revel in that moment and not let go. But, crazy enough something odd happened. As I was complaining I started to have a realization about God. Seriously, folks you CANNOT make this stuff up (and this was just a dream), but as I was complaining the realization that came out of my mouth was this:
“I need to stop second guessing what the Lord has for me”
Psalm 37:1-13 (It may seem like a lot of verses but so full of life, I promise)
Whoah. There. Slugger. Wasn’t I just complaining? Let me tell you, in this dream when those words came out of my mouth I was just as shocked as when I woke up. The best thing about it was that I felt the most amazing peace after saying those words. I really believe that God was speaking to me about my life not just Winston’s situation. Oh and did I mention that in the dream there was a random dog running around that had just been healed? I most likely sound like a crazy person but I think those were some words that I needed to hear. And maybe some of you dearly loved and beautiful women out there need to hear this too. Life can get in the way. Being human we make plans and get distracted by everything. I am SOO guilty of this! But, thankfully we have an amazing God who was (knows the past), who is (knows the present), and who is to come (who knows all things in the future) with plans that are far greater in our lives in everything we put our hands to because His hands are there first trying to guide us; even though we do not always listen-hah hah (Revelation 1:8). Even through pain or struggle, please my dear friends do not second guess the plans of an amazing God because He listens. We may not like the outcome to some or many things but remember it is for something more amazing than you will ever expect or imagine. His plans are so much better than our own.
So, that happened… and I woke up. Somehow I knew that no matter the outcome with Winston and everything else in my life I would be alright. I did not need to second guess the Lord and His plans whatever they would be. That peace was just lingering. I kept the dream to myself and called my husband because I thought we needed to go see Winston who was an hour away. Matt literally left work that morning and I texted my boss letting her know that we were going to probably put Winnie down. Literally, we were driving to the Veterinary Hospital to say our last goodbyes. Things were not looking up.
As Matt and I drove down the highway we were quite solemn, it was so quiet you could probably hear a pin drop; then the phone call. Ten minutes into our car ride we received a call from the vet. I put him on speaker phone. I am trying not to tear up as I write about this moment because it was and obviously is still emotional to me now but the vet had some amazing news. We were told that by the vets that they decided to give Winston a feeding tube during the night and he was responding well. The first good news we had heard all week! Winston was literally on death’s doorstop but was now healing. Even the Vet said, “We have no explanation of how he is doing so well, Winston’s condition changed overnight!” They were stumped! I started crying in the car (happy tears y’all) because I knew this was all God’s doing. I told my husband after the phone call about the dream and he started “sweating” from his eyes. He blamed it on onions, we did not have onions in the car hah. Matthew and I are so grateful and Winston is doing pretty well. He does have a few digestive issues but God provided an amazing vet and our puppy child continues to grow strong. But even though it was not an immediate full blown healing , I do not ever want to second guess God and His plans for everything in my life i.e. my marriage, my family, my dog, my job, my desires, my talents, my family, and my oh my does the list go on. HE HAS GOT THIS. And, that my friend is Grace. I was literally angry with God and telling Him that He was wrong yet in all of this He forgave me even though I did not deserve to have my Winnie healed, He did so anyways. It still makes me smile thinking about the whole situation. Remember the verse I mentioned in the beginning of the blog? The second part, verse 8 is just as important as the first part verse 7. The first part talked about blessing the Lord who guides me but the second part explained about how He is always with me. I will not be shaken because He is right BESIDE me. Let me tell you, God was there through the literal nights and in all that time He was beside me even when I was being a turd; when I read my Bible; when I did not read my Bible --- God was there. You see a theme? He is there through thick and thin. The ultimate Father and I have a pretty rad dad so for me to say that is kind of a big deal *insert wink face*
Thanks for reading ladies and REMEMBER you are loved by an amazing Father who has got this! It’s in the bag! So, Happy Father’s Day to the Ultimate Dad (and the earthly ones too.
Captivatingly Yours,
Lena (Helena)