I am Strengthened, Always
As I write this and begin to think about what I truly want to say and what the Lord is putting on my heart, I think of the people who will read this and it makes me so nervous! Truth is, every time I type on my lap top I am reminded of college papers and as much I adored all of my professors, the thought of writing a paper makes me feel the dread of being graded! But all of that dread and nerves fade away when I think of being able to share my story with all of you out in the world. The thought of sharing what God has done makes the nerves fade away. So, thank you for reading and thank you for stumbling upon this site and these blogs, because not only do I want to share my story with you; but I hope to encourage you to share your story…and hey, maybe start a blog!
A little about myself is that I am currently 23 (turning the big 2.4. in May!), a makeup artist, a middle child of 5 kids, a singer, a fanatic of food, a little bit of a Gym-o-Holic, a lover of my Walking Dead, and I guess you could say I have had some very eventful life journeys. Growing up with 5 kids in the family and two adoring parents, you could say I have had it pretty good. Never a dull moment in that household! Literally noise all the time! Sometimes quiet actually freaks me out, yeah it's the truth. In my big amazing family, in which most of us kids were homeschooled all the way until we graduated high school; my parents all gave us one activity that we could invest our time in. At 7 years old I asked my mom if I could start doing ballet. My sister was currently doing ballet and sometimes my mom would drop me off with Jessica during her class and I would sit and do school. I loved the atmosphere, the energy, the music. I would find myself swaying back and forth to the music. After class was done Mrs. Kegg (the dance instructor) would let me come up on stage and do my thing (which wasn’t much of a thing because I had no idea what I was doing!). I looked like a duck… Yup you heard me. A duck. Once I started dance it just took off from there. Through the different stages of my life, dance remained the same. Whenever I was struggling with something, dance was always there to get me out of my head so that I did not have to think about any craziness going on in my life. We are going to come back to this, but let's journey into another side of who I was growing up.
My friends who know me will tell you, growing up, I wasn't always the easiest kid to get along with. I was incredibly jealous, moody and had severe body image issues. Some would say this was because of dance, with the image of a perfect ballerina body. Others would say that would be because of how the world perceives beauty, but I believe what it all comes down to is all of the above, plus the devil hates confidence! He wants to shake us, break us, and tear us down! So even though I had friends who thought I was beautiful, funny and a good person I allowed the devil to feed me lies that I wasn't good enough, wasn't skinny enough, and was the ugly duckling among my best friends. So I took it out on the people closest to me. They never knew whether it would be a fun sleep over or me getting upset and being a brat the rest of the night. I remember, when I was 14 yrs old my youth group and I went on a mission’s trip to South Africa. While we were there I stopped eating. Of course I loved attention as well so this stunt brought lots of that. I had one of the counselors sit me down with my two best friends who were also on the trip and she just poured her heart out to me about how she had had an eating disorder. My counselor explained that the Lord had brought her through it and that she didn't want me to go through the pain she endured. Unfortunately, I wouldn't hear it and actually started yelling that they were wrong, that no one liked me and everyone was fake! Looking back, man I was crazy. But keep in mind, what you feel becomes your reality. That's why we have to be aware of our emotions (especially as women!) and check our feelings to make sure that they are from the Lord and not our flesh. Turns out that everyone who was upstairs heard the whole thing! It was pretty embarrassing but I'm glad that happened. It showed me that my friends really loved me, and even though I was being stubborn and didn't change right away (take note there, change isn't always instant), that moment was pivotal to my future woman-to-be.
The reason I am being so transparent is because, it's kind of a big deal that you see the struggles of my past, so that we can all appreciate how the Lord is so merciful, gracious, and patient.
In 2007, after an amazing dance performance of the nutcracker with my studio, I was diagnosed with osteosarcoma which is a bone cancer. Totally out of the blue, no family history of cancer and the last thing on anyone's mind. The good thing about this cancer, if there is any possible good thing with cancer, is that it was easy to get rid of and it only had a 1% chance of ever coming back once they completed surgery and chemo. From there everything moved extremely fast. It started with 7 months of chemo therapy, a huge surgery where they removed 6 inches of bone and replaced it with another bone, and lots of time in the hospital. My body couldn't handle food. Even when I craved something it would be the end of the world if I didn't eat just exactly what I was craving, but then I would throw it up. My starting weight was 147 at 5’8’, by the end of the 7 months I weighed 102 pounds. I was accused by the nutritionist that I was losing weight on purpose (can I insert laughing emoji here? Who blames a kid who is going through chemo that they are purposefully throwing up?), but my mom went all Mom Bomb on her and I finished off a Pizza Hut pizza with cheese in the crust! Haha! Like I said, it was all a speedy adventure yet, incredibly slow. It was as if the girl I once was was no more, with her life on hold. I clung to the Lord through this time of life. I would have my mom read the Bible to me and we would pray together all the time. It wasn't all wonderful and easy, and though I can honestly say I was never angry with the Lord, I can tell you, I asked him "why" quite a few times.
Once I finished with chemo, my life started again. School was interesting; I had what they call "chemo brain" and couldn't remember a lot of things. And I'm telling you; sometimes I still use the "chemo brain" excuse to get out of forgetting something. But I graduated high school and immediately started community college. I began struggling with my weight again and feeling the old thought process rushing back. I began throwing up my food after I would eat. I would brush it off by thinking, “When I was sick this happened”; in my mind I was still sick. I literally convinced myself that it was ok. How else can you do something like that? Be so unhappy in your own skin, you abuse your body and convince yourself that it is ok. Well after a while of doing that, I actually gained more weight. But I started dancing again and I stopped throwing up. It was like, just being back on the dance floor made me happy enough to stop hurting myself. I started a theater group "CYT" and immediately fell in love with acting and singing. I always loved it but viewed myself more as a dancer, and just a dancer (though when I was 7 I was positive I wanted to be a country singer). I did quite a few shows with them, and then one show we did (Alice in Wonderland) I was playing "Tall Alice", so basically whenever Alice ate something that made her grow, poof there I was! But during this show, something went terribly wrong and one night I got home from a long day of tech week and I couldn't walk. Something was very wrong but I was positive I had just pulled a muscle. It turns out I had Staff Infection. They put me on an antibiotic and CYT let me finish out the show, but I had to use crutches.
They did a couple surgeries but in the long run they decided to do a much bigger surgery. The doctors were going to remove the bone, put in an "antibiotic bone" and then have me on an IV antibiotic. It was going to be a long 6 month, but what ended up happening was that the doctors found that the cancer actually came back. It was devastating. I woke up and looked around a room full of family and friends wondering why everyone had come, then, like it was timed the doctor came in and told me what they had found and that they needed to remove my leg. I wasn't sure exactly how to respond so I looked at him and told him "no no hunny, no no." This had been an inside joke between my brother and I, so I guess I knew no other words to say then what came naturally. The doctor just nodded and asked if I had any questions. I was the unique 1% that this cancer attacked again. I was that 1%. All I could think about was everything. All at once, dancing, performing, growing up, getting married and having kids. Everything that you could possibly think of was running through my mind in a matter of seconds. They gave me a day to get my bearings and then scheduled my surgery on September 1, 2011, my sisters birthday, and my first week of a semester at school.
Before the surgery I woke up in the middle of the night. I wasn't sure what to do with myself. They had cut the ligament in my leg so getting up to go to the bathroom wasn't something I could do by myself while getting up at all was out of the question. So I sat there and I cried. My dad was right beside me, surprisingly awake. I guess his mind was probably running just as much as mine. He told me that I really needed to make a choice, either to let this break me, or to let it make me. As poster board as that sounds, it did something inside of me, something clicked and it just made sense. I wasn't going to allow this to tear me into pieces. What was about to take place was going to take place and I needed to accept it, move forward, and allow the Lord to do his work in me. Once I accepted that, something in me changed that I never experienced. Growing up a Christian my entire life, I believed the Lord and His promises for my life, that they were good, but everything made sense after this moment. Everything became clear. I woke up after the amputation and took it in, cried for a little bit but the Lord gave me His resounding joy, peace, and being surrounded by my family; I moved forward. A week later I was back at school, crutches and all. People couldn't believe how well I was doing. But the point is we don't draw our confidence from within ourselves. We draw our confidence from the Lord! That is true confidence that cannot be shaken. You may ask, “Do you still struggle with insecurity?” Yes, I sure do, but being confident and trusting in God’s plan for your life, does not mean you will never deal with past difficulties, or insecurities. You better bet that the Devil is going to try and hit you there ten times harder! But God gives us the strength to push back and overcome.
This all leads to the very beginning: Dance.
Don't think that the story is over quite yet! I lost my leg in September of 2011, but it that event in my life has not slowed me down. I was asked by a choreographer who had done a previous show that I was in, (Sarah Worman “The Highness”) if she could choreograph a dance for me and perform it at her church, and we performed in November 2011. Since then I have danced at multiple churches, events and YouTube performances. Now, I hike, dance, act like a crazy spaz and go where the Lord leads me. I have since then become a makeup artist running my own traveling artist business, pouring my heart into my work and allowing the Lord to use me to encourage the ladies I do makeup for. I know that my story could be completely different right now, but I don't and I won't allow the weight of what could have been my future hold me back at all. The Lord is so good! He is such a loving Father and I hope that my testimony speaks to you today and that you go out and be filled with the Lords confidence to rule this day!
Stay absolutely fabulous,
Melissa
The Beauty Muse